Diary of Dumbledore
by LadyDumbledore18
Summary: A 'typical' Day in the life of the 'archetypal' good guy, Albus Dumbledore.


Diary of Dumbledore © Melissa Phillippe 7/8/04  
  
Diary of Dumbledore  
  
Day 1: Was in the middle of a bubble bath when ran out of chocolate frog scented shampoo. Bloody house-elfs! Must remind them that they serve me and that the eccentric, lovable Dumbledore can turn into a rampaging bumblebee at any second! Grrrrr.... frightening, I know! Sigh...beard is still sticky from where it fell into my dinner plate...am getting sick of accidentally eating part of beard at dinner...would shave it off completely, but then wouldn't be the Merlin figure of the story...Sulks  
  
Day 2: Voldemort killed the Potters. This feud of theirs is getting way out of hand. Must remind Voldemort that killing people is not the way to get back at someone for making jokes about their 'wands'...snort...giggle...snarkle...it was a pretty funny joke! Sigh...to bad James has kicked the bucket...I told him I would keep the secret about who said the joke, but noooooooo.... it's Sirius we trust Dumbledore.... Siiiirrrriiiiuuuuussss is our frrrriiiiieeeeeeennnnnnddddd" What am I, chopped Dragon Liver? Am most peeved...he owed me money too! Paces and Sulks  
  
Day 3: Had to take time out of my busy schedule (I only got in 8 hours of pacing today...shocking, I know) to bring Harry Potter to Muggle Aunt. On the plus side, I did pass through about 5 different 'Farewell You-Know-Who' Party's...was most irked when thrown out of last party...all that blather about needing to go get Harry...sheesh...am I the most powerful wizard ever or not...Hey Look! Another party!  
  
Day 7: Finally showed up in Privet Drive...had to turn off blasted muggle streetlights! Have they no pity for an elderly wizard whose eyes are about to fall out of his head?? I must be coming down with something...ahem Was not surprised to see McGonnagal sitting in the front yard...she has this nasty habit of showing up just at the wrong moment. Popped a few lemon drops to get rid of...bad breath, yeah that's it. Started in on me the moment I sat down. "Dumbledore, is it true? Dumbledore, what took you so long? Dumbledore, is that my dress? Dumbledore...I'll only believe yooooouuuuuuu!! Dumbledore, Dumbledore, Dumbledore!!" Honestly, the woman would believe anything if it came from me...heeeeeeey.... must remember to tell her that Fire-whisky is an acceptable dinnertime drink. On a slightly less important note, Hagrid brought Harry...almost cursed him for making so much bloody racket...ohhhhhh my heeeeaaaaaaadddd! Of course, McGonnagal started in again. "Dumbledore, isn't he cute? Dumbledore, what's with the scar? Dumbledore, are you sure that's not my dress? Dumbledore, do something about that nasty mark!" Offered her a peek of my scar, which shut her up pretty quick. Hey! I'm offended. Left Harry for miserable 10 years with Muggle family...it'll be good for him. Now then...I wonder if there are any more parties...  
  
Ten Years Later...  
  
Day 1: Dear Diary, sorry I haven't written in so long. That last party was a doozer! Ahem...anyways, so I was informed that Harry Potter was coming to Hogwarts. Squeee Did I just squeee? I'm so ashamed...anyways, have decided to show unfair and blatant favoritism to Potter...I might just be able to extract that money that his father owed from him...evil cackle wait a second...I'm the archetypal 'good' guy...let's go with a hearty guffaw Yeah, that works!  
  
Day 2: Ran into Quirrel...knew right away that Voldemort was hidden underneath that stupid looking Turban...always did have a funny smell to him...but as it is a major plot element, have decided to let it pass.  
  
Day 3: Blasted Muggles wont allow Harry to see his letters. Am getting major cramp in hand from writing 350 letters in one day. Must think of a better way to do this...hmmmmm.... hummmmm.... hoooooommm.... hmmmmm.... nope, nothing. Sigh Screw the letters! I'll just send Hagrid to go and kidnap the boy. Am developing a nasty headache...maybe I'll have Hagrid pick up some elixir on the way...that should make me feel better.  
  
Day 4: Hagrid picked up the wrong elixir...sulks Still have major headache, but on the plus side, have turned everything in my office pure gold. Amused myself by giving an ant some elixir of life, and then squashing it beneath my foot...hahahaha...lets see you get out of that one, evil ant. Am beginning to think I am in need of a vacation. Fawkes seems to resent being turned into pure gold...hasn't moved all day! Ungrateful pigeon!  
  
Day 5: Was most peeved when found scuff on my new buckled boots. Tried to curse all of the house-elves from my bedroom window, but only managed to get my beard caught in the railing. Blasted Beard! McGonnagal up in arms about my vendetta against house-elves..."Dumbledore, why do you hate them? Dumbledore, we need to treat them nicely! Dumbledore, I'm positive that's my dress!" Tried to curse her as well, but was distracted by mirror...Bloody Hell! I am wearing her dress! Have gone to bedroom to mope...sobs nobody understands the pressure that comes with being the most powerful wizard ever! Though I do feel a little better...yelled out of window that I look better in her dress than she does...ducked just in time from her killing curse...sheesh...that woman cannot take a joke. Have noticed that I do look better in the dress, and so am going to stand in front of the mirror for rest of day. Lookin' Good Dumblybear...lookin' good.  
  
Day 6: It was the 'Welcome Back' feast tonight. Harry was chosen for Gryffindor...was sure he would make Hufflepuff as he seems to be a MAJOR Duffer...ahh well...150 years, and I still can't call em. Got something stuck in my eye, and had to blink it out, then noticed Harry smiling at me like I was winking at him or something...yeah, major duffer. Then I...WHAT? ANOTHER WEASLEY? Holy cow! Those two need to be neutered or something! Shudders Must...not...think...about...it. Stood up to give my long and glorified back to term speech. Knew Harry was just as arrogant as his father, so decided to help the story line along. "Don't go into the 3rd corridor....it is daaaaaannnnngerrrroooooouuuussss...you can't do it unless you are a powerful wizard...like me" Was most offended when heard slight giggles throughout the room...got my wand out to curse those little monsters, but was kicked underneath the table by that nosy McGonnagal...so made it seem like I wanted to do the school song instead. Was most pleased when the Weasley twins chose that funeral dirge...looked around at the ones who laughed at me and glared impressively, letting them know that I will get them! I WILL!  
  
Day 7: 'Supposed' Dark Wizards or Witches (yeah right, like a witch could do something like that snort) broke into Gringotts and emptied a vault...some people are so naïve. Have spent the day trying to hide everything I have turned into gold...not an easy task, as I accidentally (I swear, it was an accident) turned the entire castle into gold. The staff seem to be getting suspicious. Especially that Minerva...caught her nosing around my closets the other day...again! I think she has been on to me for a while now...she is always loitering around my closets...nosy witch! Am considering having a house-elf put up a 'NO LOITERING' sign...probably wouldn't work anyways! sulks Anyways, have decided to place an 'unplottable' charm on the castle, and also numerous charms to make it look like a bunch of ruins. sulks Now nobody can admire my handiwork. I think I will go and stomp on a few more ants. Maybe a badger or two.  
  
Day 8: Have decided to sit in my office and stare around importantly until the staff admits I am the best ten-pin bowler. twiddles thumbs Any moment now, someone will walk through that door...any time now...  
  
Day 45: Am most peeved that no one has told me that I am the best...in fact, no one even seems to notice I am missing! Ungrateful Toadstools! I will get them...They Will Pa...wait a second...whats that noise?  
  
25 minutes later: Was most pleased when went to window to check the cause of the noise...noticed a Quidditch match in progress (of course, noticed that I was not invited sulks) but felt loads better when I noticed a huge multi-colored sign that read 'blank for President' (I couldn't see the name at first, but assumed it was me...because only I could be the one that the crowds adore enough to make President (since when is there a president in Britain? scratches head)) Was quite offended when I stepped out onto my balcony to accept the adoration of my fans and saw that it was not 'Dumbledore for President'. No of course not! It was that blasted Potter. Have decided that I do not like him as much as I thought. Bloody Usurper. So I spent the last 25 minutes trying to curse him off his broom...unfortunately, Snape was doing a counter curse...slimy git. Noticed that Quirrel was also trying to kill Potter...remembered at the last moment that Potter owes me money...so instead tried to curse Quirrel. Three fires and a chocolate frog later, am sitting in my office fondling my half-burnt beard. Darn beard is always in the way...but at least I hit Snape with half of my fire spell...hearty guffaw He paid...They all will!  
  
Day 102: Beard has finally grown back, so now I can resume my role as Merlin Figure of Billion dollar story...first thing I noticed when I came out of the closet was that Potter had found Mirror of Erised and was sitting on the floor looking up at it, a blank look in his eyes and drool dripping from his mouth. Grimaces that's just disgusting. Was going to sneak up behind him and curse the adoration-theif into oblivion when feet got caught in shiny new beard and sent me sprawling on the floor behind him. Blasted Beard! Potter was understandably afraid when he saw me...like I said...raging bumblebee...but when noticed I was sprawled on the floor, the stupid git thought I was sitting down for a nice long chat. sigh Decided to try another way...told Harry about how Mirror works and that some wizards have been driven mad...shoved him back in front of mirror and was quite pleased to see his eyes go blank again...not so pleased to see drool shivers but felt that I had done my job well. Was taken aback when Harry suddenly looked at me and asked what I saw when I looked in the mirror...Was not going to admit that I saw myself in a dress...so made up quick story involving some manly woolen socks...yeah, that should work. Sent Potter off to bed quickly so he wouldn't be able to see me stealing side-long glances at the mirror...ah Dumblybear...you are one sexy beast. Began to make growling noises at my perfect reflection when noticed pair of eyes staring at me...was quite embarrassed when saw Mrs. Norris watching me from doorway...darnnit! Now she will tell Filch, and that gossipmonger will have it all over the school by morning. Sigh Oh well. They all know how gorgeous I am...it was only a matter of time before it was told to them. They are just jealous. Who wouldn't be? Hearty Guffaw with a slight tinge of evilness even though I really am the archetypal good guy and really everyone loves me even if they say they love another character because I am the most perfect character in this book and if once in a while I give over to a little evilness, it is to be expected and hardly sneered at Ahem...my quill seems to have run away from me...must go and chase it. Toodles!  
  
Day 103: Heard from someone unimportant that Voldemort is after the Sorcerer's Stone! HE CAN'T HAVE IT! IT'S MINE! MINE, MINE, MINE! Have decided to use my position as Headmaster to force the other staff members to protect it...hahahaha...now no one but me can use it! I am soooooo smart...you see, the spell I performed made it so that you can only get the stone if you don't want to use...oh ! That means that I can't get it! Hmmmm...didn't think this through enough obviously. Sulks On another bad note, noticed that Harry spends major amount of time with Hagrid and not me...was most peeved...the horrible green monster is beginning to rear his ugly head...have not experienced this sort of jealousy since Minerva bought whole new wardrobe...have decided, even though Hagrid is a good gamekeeper, to bring an end to his 'large' career...teehee...hahaha....hehehoooo....wipes perfectly proportioned tear from eye Sometime my wit amazes even me...and I already know how incredibly funny I am. Anyways, back to Hagrid...how does one dispose of a giant...that is an awfully 'large' problem...snicker...I hope it isn't too 'big' for me to handle...falls over laughing on the floor ahahahaha....that was good. No wonder people love me...now, to the problem at hand. I think I know just what to do. I think I will...notices that beard has wrapped around body while rolling around in amusement Called for help...nothing! Yelled how the dark lord was back...nope. Nada. So took matters into my own hands...oh wait...my hands are tied. Dragon Dung! Finally dug up enough courage to yell out 'what a lovely new dress' Was scared senseless when Minerva burst through my door...shivers Her nostrils flaring and wrinkles jiggling in her fury...was appalled when she began cursing everything in the room...no! Not my new super duper amazingly worthless knick-knack! When she got close enough, began kicking her with my foot...didn't quite make my point as feet too are bound...but got her attention. Wish I hadn't, for no sooner did she see me than her eyes lit up and she began to croon 'ahhh Dumblybear...did you do this for me? I didn't know you were into that kind of thing...' Realized my mistake right away and began screaming shrilly for someone, ANYONE, to help me! AHHHHH...it's not wor.....................................  
  
Day 104: I feel amazingly refreshed! It's remarkable what trying on another's clothing can do for your stress level! Must remember to write down name of Minerva's seamstress. On a slightly less important note, gave Quirrel a Dragon's Egg and said to him 'use it wisely' while shoving him in the direction of Hogsmeade. Made sure to mention that Hagrid...who is the only one who knows how to get past fluffy...is at this moment getting drunk in the Hogshead. Gave him a few Galleons, and told him to 'have a good time'. Now we shall just have to wait...catches sigh of reflection and once again becomes consumed with it  
  
Day 108: Honestly! Those mirrors should come with warning labels on them! Anyways, found that Hagrid's new friend has hatched. Laughed myself silly when heard that Ron Weasley was in the hospital wing with a poisonous bite...goooooooood.... Now Hagrid will get what is coming to him...he will pay! Theeeeey aaaaallllllll wiiiiiiiiill paaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!! Was appalled to find myself actually screaming this out my bedroom window...made a quick recovery by saying 'The people who owe me money'...oh yes. They will pay too!  
  
Day 112: Was unpleasantly surprised to find that Potter illegally got the dragon out of the castle...stupid git! He does not understand the plan...no one does! SULKS Ahh well. Felt better when heard that the students will be doing their detention in the Forbidden Forest...made sure to make it for the same night that Quirrel was going to have his midnight snack...harharhar...that should work.  
  
Day 113: Plan has failed! Again! I thought the Merlin character had all the power! I've been gypped! Must remember to have a word with JK...we must come to an understanding of who is really in power here. She is only a vessel...a vessel that I control! That's right! ME!  
  
Day 114: Turns out that I am not the one in power. Was forcibally reminded of this when JK wrote my dresses...I mean, robes...out of the story. It gets a little nippy at times without clothes...decided to allow JK to feel as if she has the power...but we all know...its really me.  
  
Day 115: Received a letter from the Ministry of Magic...thought it a bit coincidental as know for a fact that Quirrel will try to get the stone tonight, but was sure that the one had nothing to do with the other. So I am off to London! Must make sure to look up that seamstress of Minerva's...maybe I'll get lucky! They might just have that new periwinkle fabric with silver stars that I have been looking for.  
  
2 hours later: Was most peeved when Hedwig showed up with a note saying Harry was in trouble...something about how the stupid git went after Voldemort himself. sigh Now I will have to drive all the way back...sometimes, its hell being the most powerful wizard...but I am the most perfect choice so there is nothing for it. Back to Hogwarts. Goodbye Periwinkle fabric with silver stars that I have been looking for.  
  
2 hours later: Got back to Hogwarts...was pleasantly surprised to see Ron and Hermione standing there waiting...I am loved! Noticed that Potter was not with them! Maybe he has figured out a way to get the stone! Ran off to the third floor...breathed a sigh of relief to see Quirrel and Harry fighting over the stone...jumped into the fray myself, trying to curse both of them in order to get my stone...I mean, Flamel's stone...and was able to curse Quirrel into oblivion. Grabbed for the stone and had to play tug-of-war with Potter in order to get the stone from him. Knocked him out so it would be a little easier. Hahahahaha! It is mine once again! Decided that since Harry was no longer a threat, to bring him up to the hospital wing. Goldarn git weighs a ton! Was understandably out of breath when finally pulled him up to the hospital...was most pleased to see candy sitting at end of his bed. Decided they were from my adoring fans. Ate 5 of the chocolate frogs.  
  
Day 116: Harry woke up and right away noticed that 5 of his chocolate frogs were missing. Quickly blamed it on his friend Ron...he is pimply enough to pass for someone who has just eaten a load of chocolate. Was most peeved when Harry pulled a McGonnagal and started in on me. 'Dumbledore, what happened' 'Dumbledore, why did he try to kill me' 'Dumbledore, how did I get the stone' Told him that he was too young to know anything, and instead told him some blather about how his mother's love flowed in his veins. While he was crying like a sissy on the bed, tried to steal one of his Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans. Began to choke on the bloody bean and had to self-heimlich myself in order to get it out. Darn beans! I will get Bertie! I will!  
  
Day 117: Was truly touched when found gift of Periwinkle fabric with silver stars that I have been looking for on my bed when woke up with a note. 'Dear Dumblybear, thanks for a wonderful night of trying on clothes. It was the best I have ever had! Now, please give my house a load of points so we can win, and maybe this summer we can exchange patterns. –McGumdrop' Well with an offer like that...decided to give Gryffindor all the points they wanted. This just goes to show you...if you want something from the All-Powerful Dumbledore...I can be bought!  
  
Day 118: Was very upset when Potter refused to pay outstanding debt that his father incurred...so sent the slimy git back to his horrible relations. That'll teach him! Now then...where is my little McGumdrop??


End file.
